One Year....where did it go????

(Narrator's voice) : It was one year ago today that a young man sat in front of his computer and put his rants down for the Internet to read and ignore. It was one year ago that the silent screams of help were quietly brushed aside like ash from a dieing fire. It was one year ago that the all mighty iPod faced his abuse.
It.
Has.
Been.
One.
Year....

(Cue soft violins)

(Narrator continues) : Have we seen the end of this intrepid young blogger sitting there to the wee hours of the morning? Did a bus side swipe him off his bike in rush hour traffic leaving him bleeding out in the gutter? Or did he end up squashed like a bug on the windscreen of a Maruti-Suzuki 800 Taxi? Could a fate worse than death have caught up to our hero of wisdom and humour? Could he actually have woken up one morning and decided never to return to the world of cyber-space????

Nope, I GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And y'all heard it here...LAST!!!

That's right, I got hitched, married, I tied the knot of matrimony (and hoping never to pay alimony). And after a year of being away one could say that my axe to grind hasn't been ground and in fact has collected more rust, gripes, and general kiss my ass bollocks that certainly need to be removed right now. So let's get too it.

First of all let me inform all of you that I (with no knife at the throat, no gun to the head, or any other lurking threat) of my own free will, and with all honesty, apologise to Apple for slamming the iPod. There I said, and yes, I did bow down and I did get one. And I like it. There, that's enough. (It still has some quirks that I don't like but Mr. Hammer may meet Mr. iPod and we shall see who has the last word.)

So where have I been? I've been working like a cunt down in Pokhara.

Let's grind the axe.

First off....WHAT THE FUCK?!?! For a period of one year Nepal has had no fucking petrol, apparently the powers that be, in this case Nepal Oil Coperation, has run out of money, and therefore into a rather large debt. Okay.....was it private oil companies selling for a lower price? No. Was it that the price of oil went up 1000000000000000000000%? Nope. Was it because some brainiac designed and built a $1.00 car that ran off hydronated animal vegetable hybrid bio-fuel sodium clay based 1/4 oz H2O monkey finger bananarama magnets so everyone stopped using there cars and bike so petrol wasn't needed anymore? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is simply because NOC are run by a big bunch of criminally insane criminals. NOC (now known as No Oil Cretins) has run out of money because of embezzlement. The lined their own pockets rather than pay for the oil.

Cue present day : NOC raises the price of all oil products because of rising oil cost internationally, and to try to repay the outstanding credit to the Indian Oil Corporation, oh, and also to put more cash in their greedy little paws. Result : Mass rioting on streets of Kathmandu.

Do the rioters smash up NOC? Nope, they smashed sidewalk railings, cars, bikes, bicycles, people, cops, and public service vehicles.

This should be views from a panda eyed biker this time....the rioters burned tires out on the streets resulting in lots of the wrong kind of rubber on the streets and soot in the air...so my normally "Fair and handsome" face looks like the before picture....dark and gritty.

Oh, and did anyone complain while there was no fuel? Not at all.

So here is my prediction for the year 2008, Nepal will see a huge loss of vehicles on the road which will benefit only the Prime Minister as he makes his way to and from...no where. He'll be staying at home most of the year suffering from some illness or the other.

Talking about politics...some people, and you know who you are, owe me a rather substantial amount of money. The big thing for 2007 was to be the CA elections to decide the fate of the country, the monarchy, and the general who is going to be the first blind man to lead the rest of the blind men. Yeah. That didn't happen. Now the ballot boxes are being used as trashcans on the streets of Kathmandu. They say April this year, which could actually be October 2009 to be shifted back to April in 2010 and then to who knows.

Talking about months and all, the interim government is passing a commandment that an entire month be struck from the calander, interesting enough it seems to be April. More to come on that, in April.

I actually better start typing faster as Kathmandu now has six hours of daily load shedding. Now for those of you that don't know, this is a electricity saving measure by which you switch off the supply to one area for three hours so that other areas can have electricity. This may sound great in theory, but in reality it only means that as it is winter you need to resort to using kerosene or gas heaters to warm your house and have a petrol or diesel generator to power your TV, fridges, etc, except as I said earlier, there is none. So all you can do is sit in the dark freezing.

I am going to wrap up for now. But I hereby to solemnly swear to keep you updated from now on. My wife and I are also moving to the UK and I intend to document that experience for all of you.

Until the next time...
R

(Narrators voice) : And our Phoenix from the ashes shuts down his PC and sits in front of his electric heater satisfied that his axe has been ground and his rants heard when.......


(Cue : LOAD SHEDDING!)

So here it is, I have something to bitch about, well a few things. So grab a seat and make yourself comfortable.
First off, the iPod...cool device, very much in demand, an icon of our time, and those white earbuds have become a fashion must have. What's wrong with it you ask? Well nothing that I can really say actually, except it now does too much. When the iPod first hit the market it was a dedicated mp3 player, then slowly Mac added the photo viewer, and now they play video...why? A friend recently purchased the latest iPod and was shocked to find out that in order to play videos on her iPod she had to go out and buy extra software. Now if I was going to be spending my hard earned I would really think twice about buying something that doesn't do what it says on the box. They should say; "Yes, you can watch videos on it if you also buy our conversion software", but I guess that would kill sales a touch.
Here's another thing, you and that special someone are off on a week trip somewhere special, you take your digital camera, and iPod, but you have a desktop PC so you can't take that can you? What is the point of having the capability of viewing photos on that tiny screen if there is no way to directly link the camera to the iPod???
So why these extra features? Well my theory, and it is just that my theory, is to place the humble iPod in a higher price bracket. The original play music only one was a hit for being the first true digital music player at a affordable price. Now it is a kind of all singing (still does that well), all dancing (as long as you buy the extra software to allow it to), do everything (but it doesn't do the dishes yet, that's the next version) device. Well I am sorry my hard earned will stay in my pocket for now.

Well the other day I was supposed to take a young lady out for dinner as a thank you for some valuable insights she gave me into the world of call centres and we made an agreement to meet at the Annapurna Coffee Shop before deciding where to go for dinner. At 6pm on the dot I am enjoying a cup of coffee and waiting for her. Now this wasn't to be a date as such, more a case of getting together and getting to know one another to see if a possibility of a date may arise in the future. Well as she hadn't showed up an hour after the time we were to meet I went off and had dinner by myself. I had been stood up. A few days later I called up her office and asked to speak to her, and her call out that she wasn't there. My reaction was to tell the poor guy who answered the phone was to tell her not to shout if she isn't there. Women are strange creatures no doubt about it, and that one stranger than most.

I picked up the paper today and gave it my usual once over, and something in the letters column caught and held my eye. There are people outside the US Embassy protesting the fact that they were not issued a visa to the US! They are want to go to another country for work, studies, escape, whatever and they got turned down, sucks don't it? But protesting because they feel they were turned down unfairly? And then someone writing in to the Himalayan Times about it???? What the hell? Here is a quote from Nirakash Shresthas' letter on the matter "The student visa, in particular, should be merit-based and not doled out according to the whims of duty officers." ok, now I am no expert on the foreign policies of other countries but I am fairly sure that anyone applying for a visa has his or her case fully examined before any decision is reached, and as for the "whims" of the duty officers, well they are employees of a foreign government and therefore have to justify their individual decisions to their superiors. This is a case that is becoming more and more the trend of this country, you don't like something go out on the streets and have a good old protest about it, and it doesn't matter what it is. Well tell you what, there is a dog that wakes me up barking every morning outside my house at five o'clock in the morning so I request all of you to be at my place at the civilised time of ten in the morning for a relay hunger strike with chakajam and a bandh of all Wai-Wai selling outlets calling for the dog to be hung, drawn, and quartered and for the owners of the dog to pay all of us ten lakh US dollars each and to get all of us visas to Australia. See you all at ten, tea and biscuits will not be served as I am not associated with any political parties at this time.
Gandhi over in India developed and used the hunger strike to great effect to get the English out of India a few decades ago. In Nepal we use the relay hunger strike to not as great effect for anything we damn well please. Now, in Gandhi's' case, he was not eating until his demands were met, and would have died for his country, very credible. In a relay hunger strike, one does not eat until relieved by another person. Hmm. I call that the time between lunch and dinner, skipping afternoon tea and biscuits. Like the majority of things a relay hunger strike is protesting about, the whole thing is rather half assed. And sadly it proves that no matter how much the protester believes in what he or she is doing they are not willing to put their life on the line. It is, I think, a rather sad situation.
I guess by now you have noticed my references to tea and biscuits a couple of times now, and are probably wondering what I mean by that, so allow me to explain. Every now and then you will pick up the newspaper and there on the front page will be one of our politicians or the other happily attending a tea party, and then the next day some politician different tea party. That makes me wonder, if all they do is attend tea parties, who runs the country?
It is taxi, microbus, mini bus, bus, SAFA tempo, tuk tuk tempo, micro mini taxi tempo bus owners and drivers that run the country while our politicians are at the tea parties. Don't believe me? Well over on Sunday and Monday there was a chakajam called by the transport entrepreneurs which saw just about every black plated vehicle off the road. And what bliss that was. Within a few hours the government agreed to the ten point demands of the transport entrepreneurs. Now it is said the meeting between the two started in the afternoon and was only concluded around 2am, but no one know how long the tea break was, but I will bet biscuits were the order of the day. I can just see the transport entrepreneurs saying next time we will make it eleven points, point eleven being during the tea and biscuit break chocolate bon-bons must be served.
Nepal hasn't fallen into complete anarchy just yet, but we are hovering on the edge, Maoists are saying "peace peace" government is saying "peace peace" while the people are saying, and doing, whatever the hell they please. I, for one, find it really sad that the current trend among the people is this new thing of hating the history this country has. They fight anything that is even remotely related to the monarchy. Well here is something that should make the people sit up and take notice, if a chap by the name of Prithvi Nayan Shah hadn't got it into his head to take his band of merry men around the country to unify it...there would be no Nepal at all. So the current king has made mistakes, some small, some big, and some "Holy shit! What the fuck was he thinking?" class mistakes, we need to remember that he is a man before a king, that he puts his trousers on one leg at a time, that as he is human he is fallible, and every other cliché imaginable, but just because he has made mistakes his ancestors should still be honoured, even if he is not. The previous kings to this one has always been here for his country and hopefully ten generations from now, we will still have a king to put his country before himself. We lost one king to tragic circumstances and we bemoan it and protest about it, let's not lose another because we can't see far enough down the road.

Wow, I got fairly serious and deep there, better lighten the tone or all of you will think that this blog has been hacked. I was having a rather enjoyable discussion with a small group of buddies the other day when the conversation turned to the supernatural and related creepy crawlies. Now I love a good ghost story and I like going to haunted houses and the such, I have an open mind and like that little shiver of fear that one tends to get with spiritually odd stuff. But what is it about a ghost that scares us so much? You ask person A if they are scared of ghosts, and they say yes, ask them why and you get mostly the same answer, because they are scary, because they are creepy, and others along that line. Now I have been to several haunted houses and seen many ghosts, and yes some are scary or creepy, but do I fear them? No, not really. Normal reactions people have in ghosts is get afraid, why? I think because of two reasons, one, because we are conditioned to feel fear when in the presence of a ghost, or two, whether it be conscious or unconscious we are scared of death, and a ghost represents death. I have a curious view towards death in that I am somewhat interested in what happens when one dies, but on the other hand, I am in no great hurry to experience it first hand, maybe that is why ghosts don't really give me the creeps that much. Of course I could be completely wrong and find out the reasons ghosts don't give me the creeps is because I am too thick in the head to appreciate the fact that they are trying their best to make shit my pants and run like fuck away from them. Next time I run into one I will be sure to ask, very, very politely.
So anyway, our little touring trip has been postponed due to chakajams, bandh, and general misbehaving of the public at large, so all of you got to read more of my twisted, somewhat weird views on Kathmandu life, you are welcome. Do look out for the next posting which should be lighter in tone and back to my usual ramblings and whatevers, and hopefully not written in Kathmandu. Also "Hungry man on a bike" should be getting it's first review in the next few days.

Solo riding...

I ride solo, the road is mine, every set of headlights I see are an intrusion into my private world. The bike and myself are like one entity, I feel the tarmac under me, I am one with the bike. Switch it up a gear, it's a long straight, I can go another ten kilometres an hour faster, careful now, long left hander coming up fast, ease off the power, don't need to change down, just let the engine take the strain and slow the bike, how many revs? Six thousand showing, good enough, here's that turn, tip the left bar forward and into the lean I go, revs are dropping a tad, better get back onto that power, there we go into another long straight hammer back onto the power. Hmm, I smell something, like a brief hint of jasmine flowers, I like that. Hard right turn coming up, what's my speed? Ninety kilometres an hour, gear? Fifth. Ok, keep this speed and gear, but get ready to start scrubbing off speed, may be someone else coming from the other side. I'll take this one at forty I think. Better set it up, off the power, down a gear, blip the throttle to prevent a rear wheel lockup, down another gear and another blip, ok, so I like the sound as well, a little front brake, and there. An indicated forty kilometres an hour, ready to turn right, at five, four, three, stop thinking, no cars or other traffic, a slight push on the right bar and the bike is on her side, trail the back brake to keep my stability good, lean angle seems good, start feeding in the power again, and I am clear the turn, where to next?
Taking my bike out for a late night blast is one of the best things in my day, and last night was a fantastic ride. There is a magic moment that comes when you have the right blend of cold air into the carb, the right amount of fuel in the tank, and no where you have to be any time soon. That ride could be a late run to Metro Mall to get cigarettes, or just coming home from drinking coffee with friends. Whatever it is, it is to be remembered and cherished as you will never have another ride quite like that one, and the second you stop and let the bike settle onto its stand, the dream is broken and it is over. So enjoy it while you can.
R. V. Chester.

I would like to take a moment to let everyone who bothers to read my little rants and raves and general chaos here that I won't be in next week by the look of it.

I am taking of with some family, and a friend for a whirlwind ride around Nepal. I will be taking my camera and will be taking notes for a mega post when I get back, I am sure that I will find something to annoy me on this trip.

Our first stop planned is going to be Pokhara of course. And then we are going of to the South for a couple of days. Talking of Pokhara I just want to clear something up right here and now. I DID NOT GET LUCKY IN A BOAT ON THE LAKE WITH A JAPANESE TOURIST! That story has been making the rounds since my mid teens and I assure you it never happened. What happened later in her hotel room is a whole different story.

So what do I hope to get out of this trip? Well some good stories to share, maybe a new tattoo, some good rides and photos, and of course, to get lucky in a boat with a Japanese tourist.

This is the bike I will be doing this trip on. It is a Daelim Roadwin 150. She's already done one trip to Pokhara, and this will be the second time she's been out of the valley.

I have also started a new blog, which will only be updated now and then, it is a review on where to go to eat and drink according to me. I hope you all enjoy it.

So I am trusting you all to look after yourselves and I will update on my return.

R. V. Chester

I'm back!!! That's right, I am back I am not, I repeat not, an ex-blogger!!! Yippeee!!!

Don't know why, I just wanted to say that. Well here we all are about to go into week two of the new year and all I can say is that finally 2006 is dead and buried never to be revised unless someone really, really hates my guts. What is it about even years? I talked to a lot of people and most of them agree with me that even years generally suck....and not the nice way if you know what I mean.

Many thanks Big D, you know who you are, your comments that you sent to me regarding this waste of space has made it worthwhile. And now I just had one of my momentious, if that's even how it is spelt, brain waves. Over the years I have entertained, advised, listened to, and generally been around for people, and as time wafted by with the sick smell of rotting sewage left out in the sun for two and a half days, that shit stinks, I have come to this thought.... WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T SOMEONE CLEAN UP THAT GARBAGE??? I want the years to drift by with the sweet smell of roses mixed with vanilla and honey...

Hmmm.....a shot of vodka, some rose syrup, vanilla extract, and a dash of honey....a new cocktail coming up from the maker of Uncle Roys' perverted orange juice I think.

Talking about drinking, I had a good binge over the change of the year, I opened a bottle of the old champers and spent four days drinking it. Let me tell you this, Russian Champegne is great, spending four evenings to finish the bottle not so great. And to make matters worse, I still have a bottle of South African white wine to finish up sometime this year.

Well I am just in one hell of a tear it up mood and I am not sure why...could be the change of year, the fact that the weather is perfect for getting out on the bike for some really late night rides, or just the fact that I had a damn good cup of coffee just now. And so far this year I have met two new women that have got my interest piqued just a tad, allow me to tell you about them...and no, no dirty stuff, that is in my other blog at $100'000/- per article.

First one I met just as '06 was fading and then again on the 31st, and for once I found myself digressing into subjects that I have not touched for years, religion, superstition, state of the world, almost everything. I cannot tell you all how much I enjoyed myself that fantastic evening. It was a touch magical and at the same time a tad insane. The second woman is a bit of a mystery for me so far. I have only spoken to her on the phone a few times and met her for the first time the other day, and from what I have learnt about her I like... So more to come on the updates. I should make something clear, after having a miserable 2006 love life wise I intend to be viscious and completly out there for '07! And why the hell not? I am only 30 and single, time to party it up.

Hey, has anyone noticed that I haven't really complained about anything yet? hahahaha...here it comes...

One of my comments left on a post was this about a back to school discount card...ARGH!!! Why oh why???

All of you keep your eyes peeled as there will be another post shortly.

And if any of you are still drunk from new years eve....SOBER THE HELL UP!!! I will be happy to remove any unfinished booze from all of you.

R. V. Chester

So this is my second posting on this blog, and something has really gotten me going now. I was reading through the paper as usual, and I happened to read an article on the “Garden of Dreams” that has just opened up. Now it really bother me that the powers that may be rip us all off, I mean I ride a motorbike, the road tax is Rs.2500 or so, fair enough. But where are the roads? Where is the money going? Certainly not into maintaining the roads? And by the way, have you seen the Minister of roads new Mercedes? It’s the sixth one this year, and they could save a lot of money replacing all the government cars that are damaged by poor road conditions by repairing the roads…
I went a little off track in my thoughts there, so let’s get back on course, destination, nowhere…
Anyway “Garden of dreams” is on government property, and the government misery, oops, I meant ministry, has seen fit to rent out some of the property that they own in order to make more money. Fair enough, if we, meaning the general public see some return on that money, which we won’t.

Now I told you that story to tell you this story…

Domestic airlines in Nepal charge four times the amount for a seat on a flight to a foreigner than to a Nepali. Garden of dreams charges twice the entry fee to foreigners than to a Nepali. Here’s my question; why? I want to go to Pokhara by air with my girlfriend who is Nepali so why should I pay four times what her ticket costs??? Because my ass is whiter than hers??? Then she and I come back and go to the garden of dreams, and there I have to pay twice as much to get in, once again, why? Because my feet are whiter? I work in a self awakening center, and the other day I had a customer say that she wants to start yoga, at Nepali rates; well needless to say my jaw hit the floor and hasn’t been found since. As I stated rather firmly we have one rate, for both foreigners and Nepalese and she seemed rather taken back with that idea, as if it never occurred to her that in business money has only one colour, and what colour the hand is that holds the money has no relevancy to the tender. I think it is time that businesses here takes that into account before we lose all that money coming into our tills. As those of you who know me know I was in Canada recently and while I was there I had to fly from Toronto to Winnipeg and back on a domestic airline. I am not Canadian and I paid the same amount as any Canadian traveling by a domestic airline, what a novel concept. Can you imagine how up in arms Nepali citizens would be if British Airways or British Rail announced those Nepali citizens using those services in England would have to pay four times the amount? There would be riots and chaos and calls for boycott. Hmm… Hey you foreigners reading this, refuse to give business to companies and services that charge you more than your Nepali counterparts.

OK, that’s my bitching about the powers that be done for now, on to some rather light reading.

So the big holiday has passed, and I am happy to say that this year I hadn’t seen too many accidents caused by drink driving, a few close calls, in fact I think I saw more crashes during the world cup semi-finals than over the Dasain period, let’s keep it up people , one more to go.

I went for a walk on Durbar Marg while on my break from work and I had the rather unfortunate case of one of the street kids picking my pocket. Luckily for me he wasn’t very good at it and I caught him and had to hit him a couple of times to get my wallet back, and then he went and wrapped around my leg and wouldn’t let go, leading me to kick out a few times. After I got him off and was about to continue my walk I got a little roughed up by a middle aged man. No joke he just came up and started shouting at me and shoving me. I found out that he is from an I.N.G.O that shall remain un-named but the save the children. He accused me of unnecessary violence and beating the kid up a little too much. When I asked him if he saw why I beat the kid up he said yes, he saw the kid take my wallet. And when I asked why he saw fit not to do anything, he could not answer my question. These street kids are getting worse and worse. On another walk I had one kid ask me for Rs.1000, a little outrages I say, but what was beyond belief was the fact that he was also calling me every filthy name he could possibly think of in Nepali assuming that I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, I admit that I say red and probably kicked him a little harder than I should have…but I really did feel better after that.

So that is that. In closing please remember to love you sysadmin. Poor guy slaves away to keep your system up and running and you never call him except when there is a problem, so pick up the phone and call him, or her as the case may be, and just say hi…..apart from everything else it would scare the shit out of him, or her as the case may be….

...I post these views as my own, I may change them from time to time, but at the end of the day I post them to get them across and I will try to post them in as if you were sitting here asking about them. You may notice that I try and keep a sense of humour going in my posts, this is the usual kind of humour that I try to keep going at all times, if I lost it, I would go absolutly mad.

About my victims. I will be rather mean to Indians, and when I say Indians I mean the people from the country India. Let me make something very clear right now, I actually do like some Indians on a one to one level, and do have some that are good friends, but as a nation and a people, they are on my lowest of the low list. Any country where parents think it is ok to have their five year old children running up and down the lobby of a very nice five star hotel at 11 o'clock at night must have something wrong with them, why, those children should be in bed, at 7 o'clock.
Restuaraunts, bars, and nightclubs in Kathmandu, these will come under constant fire from me, and will continue to do so until they sort themselves out.
The powers that be. This means anyone who has any kind of power at all in any country in the world. If he/she/them do something that I can get a laugh out of, then by the powers that be, I am going to make a comment and to hell with the backlash.
Mobile phones. I actually like the fact that I can be reached at anytime that I choose, and that I can reach people no matter where I or they may be, but I feel that due to some of the morons who manage to aquire a mobile phone that licences should be issued and if one is found to be lacking in the brains department then the licence should be denied.
My spelling checker on Microsoft Word. I am English, I went to an English school, I speak English, why my spell checker insists that I write in American, I have no idea.

About my humour. I love to make people laugh, it amuses me, and as such I like to watch people who make people laugh. You may notice that I use the English dry sense of humour mostly, but mixed in are other elements, mostly Bill Engvall, Robin Williams, Larry the cable guy, and Jeremy Clarkson. OK, three stand up comedians and a respected journalist, what an influence, but I like Jeremy Clarkson, I really do. He is the one person when I am asked to explain English humour here, I say watch Top Gear on the BBC and you will see English humour in effect. And Mr. Clarkson, if you're reading this I do expect a kick back for plugging your show.

About the language. I am sorry but sometimes my sense of humour is rude, sometimes I swear. If you are easily offended then my opinion is get off the net, disconnect your TV cable, lock all your doors, spray paint your windows, and never leave your house again. As my belief is this, life is rude, get over it and be ruder. But hey, I do have to be sensible, if your are under 18, get the hell out of here, nothing to see here, and even if you did see it you probally won't understand it, so get out now. If you don't I will tell your Mum and Dad about those Thai Ladyboys you were drooling over on the net.

About me. I am your ordinary human who rides a motorbike and keeps his eyes and ears open, and normally keeps my mouth shut.

So that's that, and this is it. I hope you enjoy my future postings, which should hopefully be posted on a near daily basis, or whenever I have something to get off my chest that you can get off on.